This is not ‘career advice’. I am no ‘job search guru’. This is not scientific, empirical or out of your latest HR manual.

But I have interviewed more people for jobs than you have*, and I am acutely aware of what annoys me, frustrates me, and inclines me to think negatively about a candidate.

This is simply a list of what ticks me off. And I like to hire people who do not tick me off. So, in that sense, these are facts. I suspect it is a very similar list for most interviewers.

• Arrive late.
• Dress like you going to a rave, the beach, or the cricket.
• Bring your coffee, diet coke, or whatever else into the interview room.
• Put your phone, your folder, or your keys on my desk, without asking.
• Call me ‘mate’, ‘buddy’.. or… no… I can’t write this… but I must… ‘dude’!
• Talk, and talk, and talk… and talk.
• Not answer the question put to you.
• Have no questions for me.
• Interrupt me and second-guess what I am about to say.
• Answer a question with “It’s in my résumé”.
• Answer your phone. In fact don’t touch it or even look at it. Actually, I don’t want to see it.
• Tell me what an idiot your previous boss was.
• Swear.
• Not laugh at my jokes. (That one was a joke. But, just checking, are you laughing?)
• Not thank me for my time. Especially as I will have thanked you for yours.

Now before anyone gets overexcited about the outrage of not hiring someone just because of just one minor misdemeanour, take a chill pill. I know better than most how to overcome the inbuilt discrimination we all bring to every assessment situation. I would never really disqualify someone on the basis of one random irritation. Or even two. I know how to assess and hire. But it won’t help you if you do these things. Not with me, not with most interviewers.